I don't talk about it to anyone, because I can't...so I thought I'd just write and see if it helps. It is so hard to do this, though. Happy Birthday little Sarah.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sorta sad...
This Sunday, Dec. 5th is the birthday of my oldest daughter, Sarah- whe would be 26. She lives in heaven, but some day I will get a chance to spend an eternity with her. For some reason this year is especially hard for me. I remember her sweet little face and how unbearable it was when she died in my arms. Her little damaged heart only beat for five days. I continued to hold her for an hour after she had died. The nurses waited patiently, but I couldn't give her to them...seemed as though she would cease to exist if I did, so I just held on to her. I finally realized that I could give her to her father to hold and he could give her little body to the nurses. I had wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world...to have a little child call me "mama" and look at me with the all-encompassing love that little children reserve for their mommy. Going home empty-handed was one of hardest days of my life. I have lately realized that I don't know what she thinks is funny...don't know if she loves butterflies or what kind of music she likes best. A mom should know those things. We never got to blow bubbles or walk hand-in-hand, and she never twirled my hair around her little finger as she fell asleep. I know the most exciting thing about heaven is being with God, but I sure look forward to getting to know my little Sarah Catherin. Anyway, this is just a really hard, tearful time as her birthday approaches this year...much more than usual.
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Just so you know, I think she would like boring elevator music just like you and she would definitely have a warped sense of humor like the rest of us :)
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mom... I cried for you when I read this.
Twenty-six years is a long time to carry sadness by yourself. I am so thankful you were able to write some of it out. I pray that you will continue to find a way to release your pain. Nothing is more heartbreaking than loosing a child, however, your faith will see you through. This life is just a breath compared to eternity, and in the right season, you will be walking hand-in-hand with your sweet little Sarah. Until then, I am here for you anytime friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this and sharing precious little Sarah with us. You have been entrusted with a sacred testimony and I am sure Heaven is all the more sweeter to you because you have a treasure up there waiting for you.
ReplyDeleteWe love you and are praying for you...
Karen
I think she would have played the violin.. and liked art, and been a dog person. I don't know why, but that's what I have always thought.
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